Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

No one can handle that

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient

[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what

[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes