The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
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They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Van Gone
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
