The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
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I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same