Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?

Me:

Husband: HOW SHORT?!

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

Me: I love fresh bed linen

Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.

Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”

Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.

So Hamburger help me, God

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?