Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

new dr. seuss book dropping:

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.

Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

date: wow nice body

me: i like working out

date: it shows

me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.

No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.

Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.

Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT

cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian

cute girl 2: i’m a vegan

me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.