The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
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A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”