Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

Me: go get em tiger!

Tiger: *mauls everyone*

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

[At Justice League headquarters]

Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?

Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]

The Flash: [runs to the ATM]

Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]

Batman: WTF dude

I love wikipedia

Mice are just frozen Mwater.

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through

“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.

Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved

Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”