The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
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Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I don’t get marriage
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
