The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
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Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Hoping to spice up my evening
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.