The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
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What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big