The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
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Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
zone out
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My birthstone is pecan pie.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still