The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
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The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing