The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
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Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
how was your vacation
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?