@FrakkingAwesome

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.

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@stacieooooo

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

@ojedge

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

@moooooog35

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

@mexinonblonde

You’re a big fat liar! And I don’t believe anything you say!
See if I get naked for you again!!

-Me to my scale as I step off of it

@jakob_huber

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

@sarah1mc

I hope this free massage guy from craigslist is on time.

@AndrewNadeau0

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.