Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain

Mary: Jesus stop complaining

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits

The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC

Me: cool, what-

My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…

The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White clothes: lol same.

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion