The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
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Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Mad Max: Furry Road
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
For anyone who needs this today
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.