The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
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The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.