Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

best review i’ve ever seen

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY

ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.

Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

*curtsying before the royal duck court*

M’allard!

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”

Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

[father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how’d you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs

A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

man: hey do you take walk-ins

cremator: excuse me what