@AnniemuMary

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.

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@BraandoCommando

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

@dumbbeezie

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

@Tbone7219

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

@Donna_McCoy

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

@DothTheDoth

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

@dulcetry

Rapture’s tomorrow. Christians will be flying up into the air to meet Jesus.

Two words: DUCK HUNT