The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.

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wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese


Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training


Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.


Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*


Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?


I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.


Rapture’s tomorrow. Christians will be flying up into the air to meet Jesus.

Two words: DUCK HUNT