The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
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If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
get you a girl who
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Terribly Tuesday.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF