Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

I could NOT have put it better myself.

Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52

Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.

if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

This guy must be getting annoyed by now

Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen

Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.