The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
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Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.