Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”

Lie.

I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available

Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars

Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”

Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…

oh no, steve’s working tonight

meow

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

fourth time’s the charm

Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’