My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
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ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.