Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

Me when my alarm goes off

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*

8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

Hmm, not sure about this change

ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!

HER: No, spelunking is a thing

ME: Ha ha, absototesly.

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.

Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.

date: i’m very level-headed

me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.