Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”

guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.

Her: undress me with your words

Him: I just saw a spider go down your top

My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

🤣🤣🤣

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

Broom by every window for quick escape.

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*

With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…

…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.