Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

when the doctor brings med students into your exam

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

as is their right

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?

Me: ok Socrates time for bed

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!