Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am