Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.

the short answer to this question

Just ordered me some pizza!

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:

*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*

The CDC should absolutely have a prison

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie

Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…

Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.

3:

Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!

if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.