[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.