Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

Me: Know any potato jokes?

My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?

My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box

My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.

-Me, flirting.

when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?

Walt Disney: Kill the mom.

P: and the mermaid movie?

WD: Kill the mom.

P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?

WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”

LG: Plastic?

Samsung: Metal?

iPhone 8: What about Glass?

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.