the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
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In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Happy Friday
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”