[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
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If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Who’s your best friend?
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
My neck, my back, my…
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE