Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas

my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means

My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?

Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

We need it on priority

The hardest thing Vision has to do

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.

My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.

“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

Only Americans understand

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.