[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
So creative 😂
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
