*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
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Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard