The First Farmer
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I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
What a chick magnet..
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.