The First Farmer
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You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.