The First Farmer
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If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.