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Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue piesOkay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.