The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
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[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
This is my bus stop.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Dumplings,
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings