The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
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Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
For the ones in the back.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.