Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

Utility company website: Are you a bot?

Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon

Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.

[speed dating]

HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father

ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?

reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*