The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
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1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
So Hamburger help me, God
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.