The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
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ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
