The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
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if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
no regrets
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Put a ring on it
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back