Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The biggest mystery of our time

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.

Dimsummernight’s dream

*throws nickel at grandpa*

I need more magic ear money.

Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark

Wife: nonsense, we’re on land

*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*

sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory

Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.