Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”

my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

selfie game

Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.

me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?

“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

“Eat me,” said the noun

“Say what?” said the verb.

“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.

“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.

Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.

But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.

*gets into any creepy van*

*Gets kicked out*

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.