The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
![]()
You Might Also Like
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
![]()
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
![]()
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
![]()
![]()
My support group can outdrink your support group.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab