my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
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If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.