Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.

Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours