The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
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Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood