[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.
GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
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My boss asked me to stop using metaphors when i speak to clients but that’s like asking a samurai not to use his sword
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
“u die if u don’t drink it”
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Wife: Did you get eggs?
Me: pew pew
Wife: Great lasers, so did you?
Me: pew pew pew pew pee
Wife: Why me god.
Me: *barrel roll* pew pew
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no