@ericsshadow

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

@ihateitmunky

My boss asked me to stop using metaphors when i speak to clients but that’s like asking a samurai not to use his sword

@ShutUpThatsWho

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

@jimmy_boston

Wife: Did you get eggs?
Me: pew pew
Wife: Great lasers, so did you?
Me: pew pew pew pew pee
Wife: Why me god.
Me: *barrel roll* pew pew

@DaddyJew

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

@CulturedRuffian

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

@PleaseBeGneiss

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

@PhriendlyCody

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no