The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
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Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
How to draw a duck
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.