@ericsshadow

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

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@staceys55

Police: “You were going fast.” Me: “I was trying to keep up with traffic.” Police: “There isn’t any.” Me: “That’s how far behind I am!”

@CornOnTheGoblin

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.

@TuSoonShakur

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

@sah_nursemom

Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.

@MichaelTrying

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

@ClichedOut

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

@leakypod

[packing for camping trip]

me: need portable lights

jack: a flashlight?

me: nah, the bigger one with a handle

jack: oh, lantern?