Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
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Police: “You were going fast.” Me: “I was trying to keep up with traffic.” Police: “There isn’t any.” Me: “That’s how far behind I am!”
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
I grew up for this?
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
[packing for camping trip]
me: need portable lights
jack: a flashlight?
me: nah, the bigger one with a handle
jack: oh, lantern?