The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
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You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
My new favorite headline
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
“FRAAANCE!”
Clients after you give them your rates
I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another