The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
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Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school