The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
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I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE