Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal

What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.