The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
You Might Also Like
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though