the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
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[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
me: *ordering an orange juice*
8yo: does it have pulp?
me: I’m not sure
8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Is this you?
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*