Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

We will use anything but the metric system

The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.