The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
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Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
so this horse walks into a bar
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th