Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!

Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’

Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?

Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.