The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
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If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Banking tips
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.