The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
edward fingerhands
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.