The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
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what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Do not levitate over flowers
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
That eye roll….
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*