The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
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Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Happy thanksgiving!
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”