The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
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Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
#SaturdayBears
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
