The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
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[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.