The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
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When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!