The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
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Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
My dad teaching me to drive
Me too door. Me too.
At least my masseuse has my back.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Home #decor warning.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog