The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
You Might Also Like
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
